CHAPTER 10.

What am I doing wrong?

At the cottage in the mountain valley in the evening just before bed Nerys would go off by herself into the countryside. I thought, I could ask if I could go with her, but again because of my religious beliefs I said I will not ask her. I think romance would have taken over if I had asked to walk with her in the evening on our own. But all I wanted to do was witness to her. But I was aware of an atmospheric pressure (Air Type Holy Spirit) telling me to be masculine and take the chance.

We returned to Chester and soon after, Nerys got a new boyfriend. I was devastated – what am I doing wrong?

At that time I changed GP, because he was older, dictatorial and not very good at his job. I changed to a newer practice and I enrolled with a young lady called Dr Kate Bushell. Also, I stopped taking the Risperidone and I was high again.

My Consultant was furious and refused to see me – for him the next stage was to wait until I was so ill that I could be sectioned.

Then, on the national news there was a headline item about a young (maybe 12 years old) girl in the South of England who had been sexually assaulted and murdered – her name? Kate Bushell.
This just threw me over the edge of sanity and I was sectioned and put on a high security ward and I had a new Consultant. At this time I had been on the Humanities course, so I took leave from this for 1 year to address my illness. What was happening? What was I doing wrong?

The new Consultant was a Muslim man and I had hoped I’d have a good loving relationship with him, but in reality he proved very strict and ordered that I be put back on to Depixol injections. I begged him not to, but he ignored my pleas.

The Depixol worked very quickly and I was moved on to the normal wards after about 10 days. Dr El Assra insisted that upon discharge I would be forced to have Depixol injections despite there being a more modern drug called Olanzapine available. I was depressed. One night I went to bed in the dormitory and I thought I will do what Catherine had done and put my head on the railway line. But something made me hold back – maybe I will get a new doctor?

I got better quite quickly, I knew the routine by now, and I was soon going home on leave to my house. On one day of leave I was walking down a street in town and ahead of me I saw a girl, in a smart bright yellow jacket with long black hair. I thought I bet this is a really bouncy Oriental girl – I must say Hello!

So, I got to the corner of the street and I said Konichiwa – but when she turned to talk to me I thought her face wasn’t at all pretty because she had a prominent lower jaw. When I saw her face my smile dropped off my face and then she looked hurt – and then I thought Give her a chance it is not her fault. And I smiled and she smiled and in this way we made friends.

I asked Where are you going? And she said that she was looking for a hotel with en-suite homes, so I offered to help her as I knew Chester better than her – she smiled and agreed.

I thought all the hotels are some distance away and I thought She can stay with me in my home, she can sleep in the cellar. So, I suggested this to her and to my amazement she agreed. So, joyfully we set off to my house.

When we got to my front door the stress proved too much for her and she refused to come in. I didn’t insist instead I kissed her on the cheek and she left. I came in, sat down and put on the TV and poured a beer and something said to me, This could be your wife, go and find her.

So I put on my coat and I walked into town letting God guide me. I walked quickly and I came to a busy street full of people but in the distance I saw a yellow coat – I thought That’s her. So, I walked very quickly and I caught up with her just off the main street. I stopped her. I asked, Can I buy you a coffee? And she agreed. So we turned back and went to McDonalds.

We sat down together, very much in love already and we talked. She was 39 from Taiwan and an architect (when I heard this I was disappointed – I thought she will love her work more than me) and I told her I was 38 and I was on leave from a mental hospital. She didn’t care! She said tomorrow she is going on the train to Llandudno – I asked her if I could go with her, she said No.

So, that was that. I walked her home to her B&B and when we arrived I asked her again but she said No.

So, I walked home and went to bed.

I thought again, This could be your wife, go to the train station in the morning. In the morning I felt really, really ill and tired due to the Depixol but I forced myself to get up and I walked to the station. Straightaway I met her and I asked her again, Please can I come with you? And she said It’s your decision. So I went to the service till, got some money and bought a ticket.

We were on the train and she said that she was tired because she hadn’t slept because she had been thinking about me all night. She gave me a journal and asked me to write some words as she closed her eyes, which I did. Then I thought, I will ask her if we can sleep together tonight? So, I asked her and she said Yes.

So we arrived in Llandudno and we found an en-suite double bedroom in a B&B. At this time I had bad muscle tremors in my hand caused by that awful Depixol and they were getting worse – I had forgotten my side-effects tablets. It was a Sunday but we found a chemist and the chemist gave me 2 tablets for no charge and these worked.

We walked into town to find a Chinese restaurant. We had a delicious Chinese meal (Li-yu’s first in Britain) and we started to walk home. On the way we saw a church with a door open with music coming out and we went in. It was a really, really nice church and we sat in the middle. Li-yu held my hand and part way through the service she began to cry – she was moved. After the service she was the centre of attention and all the girls hugged her.