CHAPTER 6.

Yukiko’s judgement

I was still having difficulty with my strong desire to masturbate – I didn’t masturbate – but the desire was strong. And this was affecting my eye contact and my relationship with Yukiko.

I think Yukiko was concerned about this but she didn’t address it herself, instead I think she asked a young Irish lad to discuss it with me. I remember this lad and I were walking through town and he suddenly tried to talk about it with me. I refused. Which is wrong – but I barely knew this lad – it was a strange conversation.

There were set prayer times in the centre, morning and evening. All of the members who were praying were moved to tears – but I couldn’t shed a single tear. I knew Yukiko wouldn’t be happy with this and I wasn’t surprised when Robert announced that the next morning at 5am we were going to go to the Holy Tree in a park to pray. I guessed that there would be 3 days of this condition, and there was. And I expect President Kim and Yukiko were praying at the same time in their own prayer room.

On the third morning again all the centre members were in tears – and try as hard as I could I couldn’t shed a single tear. The only Japanese member, Gen, was praying in English and he was praying for the citizens of Frankfurt – which was my feeling – and he broke into tears, but I couldn’t.

At one stage Yukiko said, Colin, it is time you were matched and blessed. I said OK, but I wasn’t interested. But I think Yukiko told me this to gain control and authority over me, it didn’t work. She could be naughty.

Then, a little later we were sat in an open square having coffee and she became suddenly serious. I thought, Hello, whatever she says next ignore it, it is a lie!

She said, President Kim has said You can join in Germany. So, I thought, this is a lie – ignore it. So I thought, Let’s play along with this lie and see what she is really up to. I’m cunning too.

So, taking this assumption on board and following the thread of argument I thought, If I do join Yukiko will have fulfilled her responsibilities in Germany and will be able to go and live with her fiancé in Japan and get married. So, I thought, I can bless Yukiko. So I thought that’s a good reason why I can join – Yes, I’d like to join.

When I thought this heaven opened above me and I could hear angels rejoicing. So, I got carried away! Then Yukiko looked at me and saw the change in my eyes and she said You are thinking now. I couldn’t stop the tide of emotion and Yukiko suddenly got up and ran off. I decided to follow her!

She went for some distance and I caught up with her and she saw me and then she said, Colin – you will never understand. Then she walked off. It was a lie and a test and for Yukiko I had failed. But she didn’t understand that I had been testing her.

After this event, an iron curtain came down from Yukiko and I was not allowed any more access to her. I did do a 3 day fast and Yukiko cooked me some soup to break the fast, but it wasn’t the same. I stayed until the 21 day visit was finished and then I left.

I started another 3 day fast and hitched a lift out of Frankfurt and managed to cover some distance. At night I slept in a hedge in a sleeping bag. I prayed to a photo of True Parents and prayed I would not masturbate but I found the pressure too much.

So I hitch-hiked as far as Calais. Now, before I left for Frankfurt I had a chat with a friend who was in a similar situation to me, an A type member, who had been kicked out and was living in the community.

His name was Steve Buckley and he had a flat near the Liverpool centre. Steve explained to me how from Calais you can hitch a lift with a lorry driver across the channel. And I did as he said and a very kind lorry driver gave me a lift over the channel by ferry in his cab.

In Dover I slept in a ditch and then the following morning I made friends with a young girl who was hitching like me and we got a lift off an older man in a car. He was WWII ex-army, and he told us how during the war he had to walk with his unit at night through a mine field.

A couple of hitches later I eventually made it to Liverpool. I sort of knew I was expected to make it to the Liverpool Centre and continue my Family membership from there, but I didn’t like Yukiko or the Family, so I went to Steve’s flat.

Steve showed me an upstairs bedroom where I could sleep.

I thought, this Family is a load of rubbish, I will go to London where the HQ is and investigate more – I will not join on this foundation – I will make a fresh start.

I went to bed with an empty head and heart – no desire for sex! I went to sleep but a very, very powerful female Oriental spirit woke me up and raped me. It was an overwhelming sexual pull that I couldn’t resist and we masturbated furiously.

I can imagine Yukiko was furious that I was not following her into the safety of the family. But who that spirit was and why she did what she did – I still don’t understand?

Maybe it was for my protection, maybe it was to prevent me from going on a short vertical course to serve Heavenly Father, I don’t know?

Steve heard the noise and the next morning he joked about it. Then I left for London.

Steve had told me about The Talbot Hotel which was a hostel near the churches HQ, so I booked in there and made a claim for welfare. The bedroom was small and was for 3 men.

I went to the HQ, they were expecting me.

I spoke to the Home Church leader and he wanted me to make an appointment to see him. I wasn’t happy with this, I wanted to be free to come and go as I pleased like in the Liverpool centre. So, I didn’t make an appointment – but eventually I did see him. I didn’t like him. I can’t remember what was said now, but what I do remember that every aspect of my relationship with the HQ had Yukiko’s fingerprint on it.

I was angry, I wanted to put that past behind me and make a completely fresh start from scratch but I wasn’t allowed to.

What I do remember is that I started to become very, very spiritual. The possessing spirit was Oriental and female. The HQ offered no help or understanding and I rejected them and began walking the streets of London.

I started fasting, I did a 3 day fast every month for a year and then a 7 day fast. Eventually the spirit came closer and closer and we had sex totally spiritually, which I thought was wondrous. After that I became obsessed with sexual desire and I left the hostel to live in Hyde Park.

From Hyde Park I went to the overhang of the National Theatre on the South Bank. There the spirit told me to do a 40 day fast. Reluctantly I started fasting. I did 21 days and then I said I can’t do 40 days I will die, but I will do one more day. So, I did 22 days in total – I looked like a famine victim. At the end of the fast the spirit promised me 3 wishes!

I thought I can pray for world peace but I won’t see any evidence, so I prayed for a frying pan without a handle (to fit in my bag), a can opener (to open cans and click on the pan as a handle) and a waist coat.

The next day I finished my fast and it was a Sunday and I was walking to church. By the side of a wall there was a brown paper bag. I thought It’s not mine I must not touch it but then I thought it might be the answer to my prayer.

So I picked it up and opened it, and inside there was a frying pan without a handle, a can opener and a white crotched waist coat that fitted. This was not a delusion. I cooked on the pan that night. Isn’t that amazing? But I wasn’t surprised it was a case of – of course that has happened just as expected!