CHAPTER 12

God’s not finished yet

Then, fate turned our life on it’s head again:-

When I was in hospital whilst Li-yu was waiting for me in a hotel in town I got friendly with an older lady called Alison.

We wanted to go to the café and I don’t know why but I asked, Can I hold your hand? To my surprise she said Yes. I was just being inclusive and friendly and I thought nothing more of it.

But after Li-yu went back to Taiwan I was asleep in bed and I got a phone call – it was Alison – she said I’m in a nightclub, come and say Hello. Something told me I should go even though it was taking a risk with my relationship with Li-yu.

When I got there it was very loud and quite soon after Alison shouted in my ear, Would you like to sleep with me tonight – but no sex? I thought That sounds nice, I’d like that. So we left and came back to my cellar. I made up the futon and we stripped to our under ware and got in the double sleeping bag. Then Alison hugged me and said I want you.

So, I thought No!

But then I remembered all my teenage years and since then I’ve wanted sex with an experienced older woman like her – I can’t deny that if I am really honest.

I could easily have said No and asked her to leave – but to be very, very honest this was a deeper experience than I could have with Li-yu. We all have a Root of Sin within us. We can try to deny it and live a principled life, but this would be dishonest. I don’t believe God can love us if we are living in denial and are dishonest. So, I thought it’s an experience I need to have. I thought, This is a more humble and honest approach.

So, weakly I mounted her and we began to have sex. She got very high very quickly and she was moaning and groaning and after 2 mins she finished and she said she had orgasmed – it didn’t do much for me.

As she dressed and left the cellar I felt I had been conned and that I had sinned against Li-yu.

The next day I phoned Li-yu and told her.

But, like a rabbit caught in the headlamps I had sex with Alison a second time. This time my penis was big and hard and hot and to my great surprise I really enjoyed myself and I orgasmed inside her – the first time I had done this. It was an experience I had wanted all my life. Afterwards Alison said I was a good lover. Thumbs up!

I spoke with Li-yu again and she asked Did you eject? I said Yes.

So, what was God doing here – had I done God’s will or not?

I wanted to marry Li-yu. But if I had married Li-yu she would have come first in my life and taken priority over my higher purpose and God’s will for me of working to build a better world. I would have put Li-yu on a pedestal. My life would have been one of serving Li-yu and exclusively so.

That is why I believe God sent Alison because I was going to love Li-yu more than his providence.

But there is a second reason.

Li-yu is clearly a Way of Love type person, a good person who receives the Air Type Holy Spirit (see the New Science Essays on this website).

But I am in part a Way of Beauty type. Alison is a Way of Beauty Type. So by uniting with Alison I could deepen my root in to the Water Type Holy Spirit. I needed this depth. The satisfying sex I had with Alison may not have been possible with Li-yu.

That’s how I see it. But it clearly is not fair on Li-yu, which I feel is sad. I’m hoping this biography will help her if and when she reads it. It’s not at all fair for Li-yu. I’m sorry.

Alison left me soon after for an older business man which she soon married.

After Alison, you won’t believe this, but I had sex with Lyn and then with Sue (both Water types) all within a few weeks of each other. This was 1998 or 1999 – and I’ve not had sex since. It was clearly a time of picking the ripened fruit.

Li-yu was patient – she even joked You are practising to learn how to give me a good time. But I just felt like a helpless sinner at that time.

Around about this time my Consultant Psychiatrist changed (as I thought might happen) and the new doctor put me on the tablet which had been suggested, Olanzapine. This is a more modern anti-psychotic which targets 3 Dopermine receptors (cells in the brain) instead of the 5 of Depixol, which means it has fewer side-effects.

I felt great on the drug from early on. At first the dose was too low and I requested stronger and stronger doses until I was on the maximum recommended dose. But the side-effects of the Depixol disappeared and I felt relaxed and my mental health actually improved.

Please note how Consultant Psychiatrists can be overbearing and cruel in their arbitrary choices of medication.

At about that time I started reconnecting with Sun’s movement.
I had Steve Buckley’s email address and we exchanged emails. I told Steve I cannot help but masturbate and he was really strict and said You must stop, and I listened to what he said and I did stop for 2 and half years. What broke the spell was getting back in touch with Yukiko. She was now living in Japan with her matched husband and she had 2 children. I remember trying to explain to her about the deaths that there had been in my journey of faith and that upset me and I started masturbating again.